Friends with Ex's?

[o0PinkSquid0o]

Ok so I put this in the 'serious discussions' area coz I wasn't sure where else it would belong but if you feel it shouldn't be here plz feel free to move this thread

Anyways as a bit of background as to why I am asking what I am about to ask: lately I have been having some issues with my boyfriend and his ex's.
He'll go over to their house without telling me and I'll accidentally find out or he'll be invited out somewhere with them and I wont be... (Like to another state on a holiday for an anime convention (I forced him not to go))

I actually hate these girls with a passion, I can't even find any good qualities in their personality which would make me want to become friends with them also.

My boyfriend says I am just being a paranoid girlfriend, I know I get jealous but I don't think that a guy or girl with a partner should have anything to do with their ex's, it makes the other person feel insecure and yes, paranoid.

anyways, I wanna know what do you guys thing about this? Would you be happy for your boyfriend/ Girlfriend to hang out with their ex's? Am I actually just being a paranoid girlfriend?

Or

Do you understand where I am coming from and believe that once an ex, they should stay that way and keep out of their former partners lives? and is it ok to make your partner choose: "them or me!" ?

It'd be really interesting to see just how insane or sane I am regarding this subject

[Tidus]

I can see a situation where two people part ways on good terms and remain friends. Exs can remain friends up to a point. I don't think you're crazy or paranoid. He shouldn't be hanging out with his Exs like that. I'm enjoying no attachments and the single life right now...But...If I had a girlfriend still seeing her Ex, I would probably beat his ass and break-up with her.

Hopefully, my friends would keep me from doing something stupid. War only in the cage...peace on earth... You should just tell him you're unhappy with him seeing his Exs. Make him see it from your point of view. If he doesn't care enough to hear you out, maybe he isn't the one for you? Good luck.

[raysai]

Alrigh so I'm the kind of guy who does not have any insecurities when it comes to my girlfriend hanging out with EX's. I'm very truthful with my girlfriends and set up the expectation that they are with me. If i'm hanging out with an ex of mine I will let them know and it's only fair for them to do the same (this establishes trust in my eyes).

So, when you said...

Originally Posted by o0PinkSquid0o

He'll go over to their house without telling me and I'll accidentally find out

...the fact that he didn't tell you may be a problem. If he has nothing but friendship with them then he shouldn't have to hide the fact that he's going out with them somewhere.

Originally Posted by o0PinkSquid0o

I actually hate these girls with a passion, I can't even find any good qualities in their personality which would make me want to become friends with them also.

Okay, now, to me, that yells out loud that you're insecure and jealous (and maybe rightfully so if he doesn't tell you about the fact that he's going out with them) but here's the million dollar question: would you be okay and less insecure/jealous if he was honest and up front with you ahead of time and told you that they asked to chill with him?

-If yes, then establish some open communication with him, tell him that this is what you're feeling (dont tell him what he's DOING to you, just tell him how what he does is making you feel).

-If no, then is it possible that you are just really insecure? Maybe you don't think you deserve him or you think the other girls have something that you don't and that if he spends time with them he'll 'see' that again and leave you?

Tough questions to ask yourself, but if you want answers there they are.

Originally Posted by o0PinkSquid0o

I know I get jealous but I don't think that a guy or girl with a partner should have anything to do with their ex's, it makes the other person feel insecure and yes, paranoid.

Can you go a bit deeper into why this is such a powerful belief of yours? I can see that it makes you jealous but do you REALLY think that the solution is for him to avoid the ex's? Wouldn't a better solution be for you to KNOW deep inside yourself that he won't stray (Now, that's something he has to demonstrate on his side more than you just believing in it; hence if he had open communication and told you that he's going ahead of time to see them, then you'll know where he is and he didn't lie or hide the fact that he saw them. this can build trust)


I understand where you're coming from, you're a pretty typical girl (not saying that in a bad way, most girls are insecure/jealous).

I don't believe that if they're an ex that you have to ex communicate yourself with them. Sometimes people end things on great terms and that's just how it is (it's not very often, I'll admit).

Originally Posted by o0PinkSquid0o

and is it ok to make your partner choose: "them or me!" ?

Here you're treading in very deep waters. I'll tell you what I tell a girlfriend of mine (whether I've been with her for a month or a year) when she makes me choose:

"A girlfriend who knows me and loves me and understands me would never, EVER, make me choose. The fact that you're doing that right now is sending me clear signals that you aren't the right girlfriend for me"

Personally, I look for self-confidence and self-reliance in a woman. I want a woman who gets the fact that if I say I'm going to be faithful then she will know it without a shadow of a doubt (Which really means 80% cus that other 20% will always be in the back of a woman's mind I think anyway). The point is, when you start telling a guy to 'choose', it's because you realize that you have no power in this situation. When people have no power, they tend to threaten and create ultimatums and make bad decisions in the heat of their emotions.

Originally Posted by o0PinkSquid0o

It'd be really interesting to see just how insane or sane I am regarding this subject

You're a normal sane girl. You just need to establish some sort of open communication or something that will build trust with your boyfriend. I'd also go out and say that you need to have more confidence in yourself and be willing to walk away if you don't like the situation that you're in. This gives you a great amount of self-power and self-respect.

You know what you deserve and if you aren't getting it then walk away and find someone who will give it to you (and there is someone).

[Tidus]

My whole thing is...Why even put yourself in a position to make a dumbass mistake? If I was serious about a girl, I wouldn't be going to my Exs home to "chill". There are plenty of other places to do that. I'm not saying you want to cheat, but putting yourself in that situation contradicts your true intentions.

If a guy from a past time asks my gf out for lunch to catch up or something, I wouldn't be worried at all. If you're meeting up with Exs at their houses secretly and spending alot of time with them....You're asking for trouble.

[Arashi XIII]

That is pretty awkward. I'm sure it's possible to stay friends with an ex (not that this has ever been the case for me, lol) but it's kind of weird to hang out with someone you "had a thing with" when you're seeing someone else...I don't think it's crazy or paranoid for being bothered by him hanging out with an ex (as opposed to some random girl) but the key to any successful relationship is communication (look at how corny I sound, lol) so I would at least talk to him about it casually...and it's hard to forbid someone from doing something that bothers you, but even he should be able to understand where you're coming from.

He might be hanging out with them 'behind your back' because he knows you'll get mad if you tell him? but that's bad on his part anyway...why should he have to keep secrets about who he's hanging out with, ya know? (not that he's actually cheating or anything like that, but still).

[o0PinkSquid0o]

Hmm I enjoyed reading the responces so far

I understand what everyones saying (specially the people on my side)
I feel that if he had been more honest with me I wouldn't hate these girls as much as I do. The first time I met both of them they snubbed me, I got pretty annoyed as I couldn't understand why they'd feel the need to snub me if they were 'just friends' with my BF, but decided not to let that get to me too much.
The next time I met them was at their house for a party, my bf left me to go in the back room with the two girls and didn't invite me to come along (I also had no Idea where he went for a little while), I was stuck talking to some people i'd never met.

I am definitely an insecure person, I try really hard not to be just unfortunate things in the past turned me this way haha, I am definietly partialluy to blame, I also tried in the beginning and i don't mind his other female friends, I will happily let him hang out with them.
I just feel the way he and his ex's went about meeting me and how they go about hanging out was wrong and it's really had its effect on me :O

anyways any other opinions would be awesome <3